I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
congratulations to them
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.