I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
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I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
