I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
You Might Also Like
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Real bees work best
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*