I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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Windchimes
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
