I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.