I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
crazy
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?