I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I can’t deal with men any longer
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
$4 #usedbooks
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.