Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?