I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
You Might Also Like
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Wait a minute…
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
british sex workers really pound for pound
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
A classic…
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost