@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

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@iamburtjarvis

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

@Bob_Janke

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

@13spencer

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

@FredTaming

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@jake_lach

*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face

@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

@sixfootcandy

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

@elwaytotheend

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.