ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
You Might Also Like
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.