I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Godspeed, John Glenn
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
New mindset, who dis?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce