I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.