I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
