Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Butt weight. There’s more!

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.