I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands