Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.