Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

This is painfully accurate 😅

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.