I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
You Might Also Like
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.