I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.