I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??