Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.