Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat