I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?