I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
You Might Also Like
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.