I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe