I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.