I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Boom, boom, ching!
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
