Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Rude much 😂😂😂

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier: