I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.