Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*