Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.