I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar