I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
sry
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.