Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

SPLOOT

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand