Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’