I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
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ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Bruh
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?