Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

same but as an audience member

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”