Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

😂🖐️

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time