Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…