Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.