I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
You Might Also Like
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I created you as mosquito food.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”