I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Science memes
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?