I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
You Might Also Like
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion