I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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