I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
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My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I…do not understand how electricity works.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”