I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
You Might Also Like
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
How wrong was this guy?
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.