I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
There is wisdom there.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
bought wrong eggs
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.