I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
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Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
New Tinder profile.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad