I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”