I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Oddly specific
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.