I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.