I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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hardest line in real life
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*