I thought this was funny lol
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
The French word for sex is croissant.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog