I thought this was funny lol
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Every work meeting this week
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’m literally crying
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.