I thought this was funny lol
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.