I thought this was funny lol
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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
