Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

What about a To-Don’t List?

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Room with a view.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s