Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Where is your GOD now????

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Hard not to take this personally