I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Just parrot things
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.