Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.
I thought twerking was tweeting at work
That’s how out of the loop I am
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS