@D2_Barney_McG

I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am

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@Charles_HRH

Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.

@OctopusCavemann

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

@mzeld

The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.

@cool_as_heck

Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again

@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

@TeachersHot

Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet

@AnkCoupleTO

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

@TysonMarie

If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries

@jwoodham

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

@CourtneyBale

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS