I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am

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Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.


Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts


The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.


Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again


Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.


Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet


Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined


If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries


INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?


Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator