I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am

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If I was Penguin’s attorney I’d request bail by saying “He’s no flight risk!” Then Hi-5 the whole courtroom but Batman.
I’d leave him hangin


Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”


I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.


[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM


Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go


{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.


I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands


You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan