I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
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ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now