I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
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At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
This meal prepping shit easy
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point