Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.