I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Interior design 👌
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.