I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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