Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

What is going on? 😅

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life