Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

It will always be this