I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight