I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
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Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.