Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

This classic never gets old . . .

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Sorted

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.