Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

We made a comic about a space heater.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken