I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If I ignore life will it go away?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
the saddest jazz hands ever
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*