I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You Might Also Like
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
the clam before the storm
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*