Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.